(For those of you just joining us.... we are making a show... and a website... and a podcast... called "Let's Make Politics!". This blog is where we explore that process...)
There is no part of the process of making anything on-camera... more exciting.... more invigorating... more fun.... than the 'camera test.'
For those of you who want some insight into the process... I'd suggest dry-shaving your balls with a straight razor... and then, sitting yourself down for a spell in a bucket of grain alcohol.
There was a time in the not too distant past where, I went through the looong process of 'testing' to be a music VJ at Canada's 'MuchMusic' Television.
Our great nation's answer to America's own Music Television (or, 'Mtv', if you prefer...) and, our most trusted delivery platform for pointless group squealings, repetitive hip-hop 'watch waving' and 'hardcore' teen rock bands jumping up-and-down in unison.
Now.... you may be saying to yourself.... but, Ty... I have now read some of your stuff. And, though I'm not 100% sure of anything.... you don't strike me as 'technically' retarded.
Well, would it surprise you to learn that, Dustin Hoffman in "Rainman"... not actually retarded. He was, in fact, just pretending to be retarded..... he was 'acting'.
I applied a similar approach to the audition process for 'Much', and their 'VH1'-like, sister station 'MuchMoreMusic'.
At minimum, I thought it'd yield some sympathy applause and a participation ribbon... like whenever Corky from Life Goes On (TV series) would take part in the race or the school play.
(Would it also surprise you to learn that Corky too, may have been faking...?
Today... he's an extremely successful investment banker.
"I just got off the phone with my broker. He said; 'Buy! Buy Potatoes!'"
"Actually, I think he was saying; 'Bye, Bye Potatoes.' I think he was waving goodbye, to some potatoes."
"Look, if anybody knows 'potatoes', it's that little potato-head. Just buy the fuckin' potato futures, and we'll be lighting our farts with lit fifty dollar bills."
.... thankfully, by the way... I do not believe in hell. Otherwise, I'd be going there for sure.)
Sooo.... for my VJ audition/testing process, the producers gave me a list of celebrities to choose from and, I was to write and deliver little nuggets of info... then maybe throw to a video, or something...
(Patton Oswalt's "Best Week Ever" bit from Werewolves & Lollipops [Best Week Never @ 1:50] is a near-perfect illustration of this...)
But, the thing I'd glossed over about 'acting' this VJ part was.... you can't play a 'character', and sit in judgement on them at the same time. Whether you're playing the pedophile, or the 'dick boyfriend'... you have to believe in what you're saying and doing to play that part. At least, to play it well.
So, as I'm riffing on Beyonce's new album...; "She says this is her most personal record so far. And, to prove it.... she's gonna be all over the world promoting it... on her birthday week."
.... behind my eyes, I'm thinking...; "I don't give a fuuuck about this woman's new record. If there is a Jay-Z produced "Crazy In Love"-type track on it... it'll be driven into the ground, in short order, by this very network. And, why the shit does she get a whole 'birthday week'? Am I meant to be lighting candles to commemorate the time she parted the red sea and guided a disco train of dancers across...?"
'Pop'... 'bleed'..... aneurism.
Then, y'know... you go home and... fingers crossed... you get to come back, and get notes for the next round on how you might change your person and your personality..... all based on network executives; possibly watching a focus group who are, in turn, watching you on-screen.
(seeing these The Tonight Show with Conan O'Brien - Focus Group bits.... I can't help but notice... 'Conan, we're just a month into your prime time slot and as a friend, I gotta say, you look fat, tired and defeated. Like an old, mohawk-less Mr. T.')
Likewise, in my case this wasn't someone talking about me in costume... 'in character'.
It's not Dustin Hoffman as 'Rainman'. The name that comes up on the bottom of the screen is your own. You are playing you.
But... you find ways around it.
Myself, I went to an Irish pub across from the network building at 11 in the morning, had three stiff shots of whiskey (I actually did do this... :) and, went on-camera proclaiming Lindsay Lohan guilty of witchcraft... like a frightened town elder in an Arthur Miller play.
And then..... I got notes on it.
You remember that bit in "The Shawshank Redemption", when Tim Robbins has to crawl through the prison's poo pipe to gain his freedom? He's got this convict 'shit soup', that he's up to his elbows in.... and, he's vomiting all over himself every ten or twelve yards, as he goes along.... until finally, he drops out into a stream and raises his arms to the sky.... to a cleansing rain storm.
There's a way in which we all do this with big chunks of our lives, saying to ourselves.... 'it's just another step in the process'.... 'a means to an end'.... or, my personal favorite, 'once I'm inside, then I can change things.'
On the other end of our individual 'Shawshank Poo Pipes', we assume.... we hope... there will be a worthwhile destination.
But, if life is 'journey, not destination'.... then we've just spent a good long while, up to our elbows in somebody else's shit, piss and vomit.... in the blind hope that, it's to some greater end.
I'll admit... there's probably a healthier balance to 'enjoying the journey' than mine. (I once amused myself so much with a Starbucks job application, that when I predictably didn't get the job... I went in, to ask the manager for my application to keep as a creative writing sample. :)
You've gotta be able to see the 'end zone', is what I'm saying. It's what motivates you to keep running.
But.... just as importantly... you've gotta recognize it, as something worth running to...
Anyone who writes, or acts, or performs is usually pretty well versed in self-exploration. I know I've crawled up inside my own anus for long stretches..... done some spelunking in my own sphincter.
But.... 'Camera tests' and 'focus groups' aren't about you finding your way out of anything... or, to anywhere that means anything to you.
It's more like, someone 'on the inside' drew you a map of the prison's pipes and air ducts... and, then had them all route back into their asshole.
"Just keep inching forward. I promise, you're getting somewhere. And (in honor of that bullshit 'Richard Gere in the ER with the Gerbil'-story).... the safety word will be 'armageddon'."
I once got a pre-camera test note, that said; "Just be yourself. But, less so."
Honestly, you ask any of these 'focus group' folks... trading their industry-shaping insights for three sandwich halves off a deli platter..... you ask these people what belongs on TV and, they'll give you a list of things that they've seen on TV.
The bloggers and the podcasters are left to elbow out their personal space... by being absolutely personal. By being themselves... but, more so.
This John Gruber & Merlin Mann Blogging Panel contains many insights into making something significant and personal.... but, the most pertinent one to this process of 'testing'/'focus groups' is that you can't follow someone else's trail and expect to get somewhere new... or noteworthy.
That time is gone.... those circumstances are gone..... that way of thinking, of doing things, is dead.... those old people in the Conan O'Brien sketch are (only a month later) quite possibly, dead.
Either way.... I'll be damned, if I'm gonna travel that hard road.... through my own 'Shawshank Poo Pipe'... only to crawl up inside their aging assholes... and, think I'm getting somewhere.
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