"According to most studies, people's number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death... is number two. Does that sound right? This means the average person at a funeral, would rather be in the casket than giving the eulogy."
|
( we are making a show called; "Let's Make Politics!" [... a tv show... website... podcast... etc.]
I.... am blogging about the process of getting this show made.
The idea(... that came before the show... the 'horse'... surrounding it)... was inspired by that Seinfeld bit above.
It's a "Max Headroom"-esque animated avatar mask.... letting everybody participate in the 'dancing monkey movement'.... safely protected behind this mask[... these 'Pirating The Airwaves Incidents' inspired by Max Headroom... brought the whole thing together for me.]
I'm gonna show you a step-by-step breakdown of 'Dance Monkey Dance', next post.... but, this... is an examination of the 'why'... :)
"Let's Make Politics!" is about participating in the discussion and debate over the future.... a future, any futurist will tell you, that's both awesome and hopeful..... you listening kids?
And, in the future.... I think everybody should get up on stage and do stand-up... at least once in their lives.
But, I know you won't.
Y'know how they say, if you're afraid of heights.... go to the top of the tallest building.
'Confronting Your Fears' 101.
If you're afraid of snakes.... maybe you pet a snake...? (What do they say.... 'it's probably more afraid of you, than you are of it'...? Really..? The snake is having night terrors about me.... popping the top off its terrarium and choking it to death in its sleep? If so, I'd suggest we don't hang out with each other at all, really. My frequent visits to the snake farm could probably be better spent doing something else. I'll just start going to the batting cages with my free afternoons.)
Maybe... understandably... you're afraid of clowns?
... you could go to the circus, voluntarily........ or throw a party and hire a clown to perform... then confront him somehow....? Challenge him to fisticuffs? 'Cause, that's exactly the guy I wanna provoke.... the out-of-work, theater actor in the John Wayne Gacy-warpaint... neither living, nor dead but, somehow still prat-falling around your backyard for sixty bucks and the catering leftovers.... seems like, those are all the necessary ingredients for a birthday party, mass murder... his face make-up streaked with tears as he recites a Pinter monologue from his 'Circle in the Square' audition, he then wipes out all three generations of your family with an assault rifle.)
I... am afraid of sharks. Another common and reasonable fear.
SMASH CUT TO: Me, in a cage in the water... with the sharks swimming in and out of sight, and encircling the cage.
.... I quickly discover my fear of sharks is actually just... logic. Dead black eyes, rows of razor sharp teeth... the scariest, most-efficient killing machines ever created by nature... that's not fear, that's common sense.
So.... you find some things are just as scary as you imagined them to be.... and, you pee your wetsuit........ then... you think to yourself; 'they're really sensitive to smell aren't they....? And I'm the guy who just peed in the pool..... only, they can't get out of the pool.... so, I probably pissed them off'... then, you pee yourself again... and, lather rinse repeat.... until you're empty of bodily fluids.
..... then, you think for a moment about how you just paid a guy with a boat to drive you out and hang you off the side in this urine tea-bag device, bobbing in the water.... and, as an added value.... you got to stare across at a monster from your nightmares made real! Yeah.... that's much better than beers at the 'Mini-Putt'.... there's that fear sorted. Next...?
I'm probably most afraid of being buried alive.... so, I'm gonna confront that one head-on.... kick it square in the nuts.... I'm gonna ask a friend to bury me alive. Problem solved. We need never speak of it again; "Lying here in this lightless box... running out of oxygen.... I'm starting to feel pretty silly..... this isn't so bad at a....................."
Point is... I don't know if we all need to kick our fears in the balls.... but, we need to recognize them.... acknowledge them.... experience them.
So, if public speaking is the number one fear.... then why should you get up on stage and do stand-up?
'Cause, it's more like being afraid of heights.... going to the top of the tallest building..... jumping off.... and living.
Public speaking.... is exactly as terrifying as you think it is. (... if, you think it is...... and, apparently most of you do.)
Doing stand-up comedy is more terrifying than you think it is....
(... the only other thing that comes close to stand-up comedy is... getting up on stage and singing a song you wrote.
And.... we can all acknowledge, there's a difference between going out for Thursday night karaoke with your co-workers.... and cracking open your 'dream journal' to sing its contents at a crowd of strangers.
That's like swimming with sharks... and, the sharks get outfitted with battle armor.)
Posting your 'YouTube' joke of the week... talking into your webcam from your basement bedroom.... isn't nearly the same thing and, we all know that.
But still, we're lined up millions deep to do our dancing monkey routines from the 'safety' of our living rooms..... 'cause we believe there's a lesser stake in it.... the cage, protecting you from the shark.
Record a video on your computer. Write a blog post..... anonymously.(... that's right.... I'm saying, without contact info.... you're a chicken shit.)
Crave attention.... fear judgement.
Pee yourself.... wait a minute.... pee yourself again.
The monkey that dances for the organ grinder... would be embarrassed, if he knew he should be.
I mean, his little pants-less, hotel bell-hop uniform alone..... is that necessary, really?
He's a motherfucking dancing monkey..! We need to dress him up like an asshole for good measure?
But, one thing about that ridiculous little monkey..... he's gonna dance every time for that peanut at the end.
And...... I'm gonna smile every time.
My favorite viral video is the "Metallica Airdrummer"......... not seen here...? (... I had the original 'bootleg' on VHS... before there was an internet).
..... if there's anything that comes closest to a perfect illustration of the 'dancing monkey'.... it's the 'air-drumming monkey'. (I think, they may have even shared the one Sgt. Peppers Band jacket.)
.... if I was having a down day.... I would put on the "Airdrummer"... and start to feel better.
I'd think about the guy devoting that length of time to learning this extended, concert version of Metallica's "Enter Sandman"...... workin' at it most every day, 'cause his shift at the local 'Gas N' Gulp' allows for those days he needs to 'work' from home...... 'gettin' it tight'..... down to each distinct head bob and cymbal crash..... to the fire and intensity in his face..... picking out his best backwards cap and Georgetown Hoyas shorts(... he picked out that perfect 'hello, world' outfit all by himself, by the way)... and, then jumpin' down on that dining room chair and delivering the performance of his life..... literally.
See what I did there.....? I made fun of him.... and felt better for it.
And, yeah..... I'll own that.
Sure as the sun sets in the west... there will always be judgement.... so long as there will always be 'funny'. (... and, Funny In The Future is lookin' pretty good... we've established.)
But.... like the subject of the extraordinaraly fantastic documentary (.... cannot use enough superlatives) Winnebago Man..... this 'Metallica Air Drummer' didn't post his home movie on YouTube.... there was no YouTube...
See........ I said... not seen here..... 'cause, that above link is not the video I own....... first... there's no sound, you might've noticed.... also... he's wearing his shirt(... you wouldn't have known to notice).
This guy..... "Metallica Air Drummer"........ has apparently now devoted that 'practice time' to getting this video off the internet.
It's why the link you have above... isn't the 'real' version.
The 'real' version..... is only found in this Metallica Air Drummer Re-Mix.
My head hurts after typing that seemingly pointless logic loop.... but, the gist is..... there is an internet now.... there's peanut butter... and a monkey's paw.... in the jelly jar. (We're the monkey.... the peanut butter's the viral video.... the internet's the jelly jar. We all on board?)
In the early 90's in Toronto, City TV piloted a tv idea called Speakers' Corner. It was a little booth built into the corner of their downtown studios... you put a dollar in the slot and it records a video of your rant, your complaint... your puppet's musical performance.... then they'd select and edit them into a half-hour program.
(... I specifically remember one involving a woman sharing a strand of pasta with her dog.... until... like that iconic scene from "Lady and The Tramp"... their mouths meet and the dog, trying to follow the food into it's master's mouth, is furiously tongue-kissing this woman.
I think she eventually got on Letterman.... right after the guy with the Parrot perched between his legs playing the 'nutella game'; "Y'know what Dave.... I know people will think this is a sad thing to spend your fifteen minutes of fame on.... but, it's really about the process. Getting your macaw to blow you and nuzzle your balls.... that's its own reward.")
City TV killed the "Speaker's Corner" booth and show, last year.... citing 'the emergence of other interactive media'. It's not like the impulse or desire diminished.... people just don't have to drive to downtown Toronto.
The booth was located in Toronto's night club district and, what was funniest to me was to see the people who needed that alcoholic anxiety elixir... the guys and girls who needed that liquid courage to get in front of that camera.... and, then this little well-rehearsed and carefully considered rant would come spilling out.
Consider Quentin Tarantino's, now famous Top Gun rant...... just another guy at a party who's watched too many movies, right?. Mused on and debated over these 'hidden subtexts' in our common, pop culture touchstones. (This, by the way, is the real genesis of the Kevin Smith, Robert Rodriguez, fan-boy writer and indie filmmaker movement....; "I've got a riff on Star Wars... I could do that. I could write a movie. I could get a camera and film my opus.... just me and my friends talking about overt gayness in 'Lord of The Rings' and 'He-Man'.")
We've all got at least one of these rants in our back pocket....
But, it might take five double-whisky and cokes to summon the balls to say it into camera... or, even to the girl at the party...
And....... I guarantee.... if you ever got up on stage and tried to deliver it to a live audience.... you might pass out and shit yourself.... not necessarily in that order.
Though I encourage you to get up on a stage and do stand-up.... I know you won't.
I also know..... though everybody plainly acknowledges that judgement is certain(... certainly, worse than you can imagine)..... we will not stop submitting ourselves to judgement.... for judgement... and as judges.
This Ricky Gervais rant from the Extras Christmas Special.... is one of the most awesomely articulated commentaries on celebrity I have ever heard..... but, it's not the 'final word' on the subject.... is it?
Like any archived quote(... like an increasingly infinite archive of every quote and insight into every phenomenon, new and old)..... it's just another interesting take.
You won't get up on stage and do stand-up..... 'cause you can't risk the possibility of them not laughing.
Without the cage..... chum and blood in the water...... there's a very real possibility the shark will bite you.
But, there is a real shame in that.... someone's voice won't be heard, because of that.
Someone maybe as good.... maybe, better than Gervais....?(... heresy, I know)
Someone who'd be writing a blog..... anonymously.... but, has something really interesting, touching and funny to contribute to the cultural conversation.
Someone like you.
"Dance Monkey Dance" is where we safely swim with the sharks.
"Dance Monkey Dance" is where we collaborate.... and, share in the conversation.
"Dance Monkey Dance" is where the slow folks are shark food... like these people in Deep Blue Sea.... but, the 'quick ones' aren't.... like these people in Deep Blue Sea(.... oh, wait.... everybody but, Thomas Jane gets chewed up in "Deep Blue Sea"... 'cause he does that awesomely retarded, underwater somersault. [Oh, yeah.... spoiler alert.] But... god, I loved that movie!)
Like the "Let's Make Politics!" 'trojan horse' that contains it.... we're makin' this thing together. [..... and, against every tv person's emphatic 'advice'.... next post is where I show you how.]
This thing is all about two words I've harped on since my first post.... transparent and collaborative.
See.... we haven't seen the bottom yet...... we're nowhere near. And, though that makes me sick to my stomach..... the truth is...... I kind of want people to show me 'their bottoms'. ;)
So.... dance, you magnificently silly little monkey... dance.
No comments:
Post a Comment