"Dance, Monkey, Dance".... the break down.

( we are making a show called "Let's Make Politics!"(... tv show... website... podcast... etc.) and, I.... am blogging about the process of making this thing.)

.... we come back from our first commercial break... camera two moves in on our host... in studio.. sitting behind his desk;

STUDIO HOST

"Sexbots.

We're all thinking it... but, when do actually get to have sex with robots...?

When wil-"

CH... CHH...........KRRR... CHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.......... (....that's the sound of static and interference on your tv..... what, am I the only here that read fuckin' comic books..?)

... the screen blips and jumps... the grey, crackling snow.... flashes of color bars and light.... and, what sounds like monkeys laughing...?

BOOP...... BO-OOP.... (.... oh yeah, I'm still goin' with the sound effects...)

ON SCREEN; ....... appears a cartoon monkey's face...

(..... this is our host monkey.... our 'Max Headroom'. The unrefined pencil sketch I did here, is based on a character design by Brent Smith of The Toonsmith's Anvil.... collaboration, people..... also... I'm showing you the unpolished work, 'cause we're about 'showing our work' here.... transparency n' all that. We have a more 'finished' sketch but.... we can't animate, 'til we find the voice. ;)

The Monkey speaks to Camera;

HOST MONKEY

"Fuck... those Subway... monkeys.

The monkeys selling Subway sandwiches on tv...

Fuck... those dudes.

Now, I already know what you're gonna say.

He's saying 'fuck' right out of the gate, to demonstrate that he can say 'fuck' any time he wants, safely hidden behind his cartoon monkey mask.

No....

No, actually, it's because... what the fuck do monkeys have to do with submarine sandwiches?

Not... a fucking... thing.

Monkeys.

Midgets.

People with scottish accents.

They are comedic crutches.

And, that's fine.

It is.

Scottish people are, very often, delightfully profane and, in addition to the attention that comes from being in front of a camera, I'm sure they very much appreciate the exposure to direct light.. at a high wattage.

Midgets, likewise, can speak up for themselves.

They can take issue when they feel they're being taken advantage of 'in the media'. They're well within their rights to get litigious about it.... take somebody to court.

As I understand it... that's what the 'Lollypop Guild' is there for.

But, monkeys... cannot speak for themselves.

I know what you're gonna say.... there was that one monkey who they taught sign language, and had a pet kitty.

Koko was her name, and it was generally concluded, within the monkey community, that Koko was functionally retarded.

She spoke like a five-year-old, mostly only to request gifts for her kitty, and she had very soft hugs.

Koko is the gorilla equivalent of Lenny from "Mice & Men".

Not your ideal emissary.

See....... we are... all of us... monkeys.

That's what I'm reminded of, every time I see the YouTube video of that guy in his living room doing the shirtless, 12-minute, extended concert-edition, air-drum routine to Metallica's "Enter Sandman".

He's got every head bob.

Every mullet whip.

Every cymbal crash.

Twelve minutes.

Dude.... even we monkeys... have evolved past that shit.

So... stop it.

And.... put on a shirt.

You're embarrassing your species."

...... the host shares a rant... maybe, a video he needs to comment on... some new on-line phenomena.... some 'real world' phenomena..... some pics... a song.... any and all of the things someone would pour into a blog post.(... any and all the things, he couldn't or wouldn't say into a webcam; see the 'fear of judgement' jag in Dance, Monkey, Dance.)

... then, he swivels in his cartoon chair... looks down his cartoon desk... to another monkey correspondent....

y'see.... outside of the host(... our one constant)... the rest of the participants are all of you..(... though, we're toying with the idea of a recurring female co-host.)

.... it's an infinite sea of potential monkey commentators and correspondents....

..... 'LonelyGirl027' records and submits.... or just phones in... her rant on internet dating...

LonelyGirl027

"Okay, I'm new to dating on-line but, I have had a boyfriend.

A real-life... flesh and blood... boyfriend.

And, like me.... he was a pretty big dork.

So... when I met this guy, on a dating site, I actually knew that his user name; "Lion-O", was a reference to a kid's cartoon called 'Thundercats'.

I actually thought, it was kinda cute.

And... in the process of getting to know each other.... I asked him for pictures.

Pics of him.. of where he lived... of his car... whatnot.

What I got.... were 'screen captures'.

Shots of a half-lion, half-man... virtual character.

Shots of a cat-themed.. 'land speeder'... he'd built.

Shots of his 'Cat Lair'..... but, mostly the control room... and the training room... where he 'spends most of his time'.

Now.... like I said... I'm a dork.

I like geek-y shit.

But... I know enough to not show up to a first date with my elf ears and a sword.

I know enough to only spend my time in 'Second Life', when I've established a first one.

And.... even if "Lion-O" spent that same amount of time and energy.. creating a virtual penis.

I can, virtually, guarantee no one will ever touch it."

..... all of this is coming out of the mouth of LonelyGirl027's very own, custom-made, cartoon monkey face....

(.... those avatar builders... the South Park Studios one... that Create Your Own Simpsons Character... are fun but, this is where we truly make something, together.)

.... it's an animated avatar face that's built on and around her voice... and supplemented with pics she sent in(... or those we've fished off the net)... maybe, clips of a 'Thundercats' video... audio of the 'theme music'.... all the multi-media you might pour into a blog post....

...... then.... when we've shared a few laughs... a few monkey rants.... things we think are awesome and the things we think are awesomely retarded, both...

..... the screen jumps and blips... flashes of snow.... color bars... and.... the host of "Let's Make Politics!" finishes the segment from where we started.... back in studio..;

STUDIO HOST

"... so, I for one say.... it's about time with the Sexbots.

I can't afford to keep spending this much money on 'screen cleaners' and the mini Wet-Dry vac for my keyboard...

That thing doesn't work at all...

You think your space bar sticks sometimes...

Try making love to a titanium Power Book.

She is a... cold... ungenerous lover.

But, I'm sure... Canada.... I'm not telling you anything you don't already know.

We'll be back with 'music for deaf people'... after this."

We go to commercial... never skipping a beat.

(...the 'music for deaf people' stuff is from a CBC 'Spark' podcast on Music and Tech [@ around 15:00 in] ... some really interesting shit.)

See... it's all happening within the framework of the show....

(.... I should point out.... though I used it to demonstrate.... we'll also be doing that whole 'Sexbot' story. I honestly can't tell you how much I wanna roll up my sleeves and get into the future of sex with robots.... that's what "Let's Make Politics!" is about.... that's the show.... in a nutshell. :)

.... it's all part of the bigger, broader "Let's Make Politics!" show.... but, we 'break in' to contribute to the cultural conversation from behind our 'monkey masks'....

That's "Dance, Monkey, Dance".

That's the collaborative hook.(... that's 'collaboration', by the way. I take something(s) you gave me.... and, I make it better.... 'add value' to it. A "Comedy Network" asking for your videos to show on their airwaves... isn't technically making something together.)

WE are making a multi-media cartoon commentary... together.

WE are 'taking back the airwaves'.

WE are pirates.... 'monkeying with the signal'.

WE are an infinite sea of potential monkey commentators.... commenting on an infinite sea of dancing monkeys.... and, as I stressed last post, that's a snake that's never gonna stop chasing and eating it's tail.

So....... if you.... or, anyone you know.... have always dreamt of voicing a recurring cartoon character on a tv show (.... and, I'd bet my boots that an almost infinite sea of hands just shot up).... then I want you to contact me at tygrierson@rogers.com..... you can find it through the blog, too........ ( I'm not looking for Mel Blanc here.... but, I bet you... amongst all the guys and girls in the english-speaking world.... I bet I find another genius like him.)

Take a look at the Host rant(... for the fellas) and the LonelyGirl027 rant(... ladies)..... and, see if you or, someone you know... wants to take a shot at recording and submitting it for consideration.(.. and, 'make it your own'..... I mean, I personally think you'd be an idiot to mess with my beautiful words... but... make it your own. ;)

Spread this to anyone you can think of(... who might know anyone they can think of.... etc, etc.)... and, we'll see if we can find our voices...

WE are 'taking back the airwaves'.

WE are making a show together.

... HIGH FIVE!!

Dance, Monkey, Dance.

"According to most studies, people's number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death... is number two. Does that sound right? This means the average person at a funeral, would rather be in the casket than giving the eulogy."

Jerry Seinfeld quotes (American television Actor and Comedian, b.1954)

( we are making a show called; "Let's Make Politics!" [... a tv show... website... podcast... etc.]

I.... am blogging about the process of getting this show made.

'Trojan-horsed' inside the "Let's Make Politics!" show(... like The Simpsons growing out of "The Tracy Ullman Show").... will be a recurring segment called; "Dance Monkey Dance".

The idea(... that came before the show... the 'horse'... surrounding it)... was inspired by that Seinfeld bit above.

It's a "Max Headroom"-esque animated avatar mask.... letting everybody participate in the 'dancing monkey movement'.... safely protected behind this mask[... these 'Pirating The Airwaves Incidents' inspired by Max Headroom... brought the whole thing together for me.]

I'm gonna show you a step-by-step breakdown of 'Dance Monkey Dance', next post.... but, this... is an examination of the 'why'... :)

"Let's Make Politics!" is about participating in the discussion and debate over the future.... a future, any futurist will tell you, that's both awesome and hopeful..... you listening kids?

And, in the future.... I think everybody should get up on stage and do stand-up... at least once in their lives.

But, I know you won't.

Y'know how they say, if you're afraid of heights.... go to the top of the tallest building.

'Confronting Your Fears' 101.

If you're afraid of snakes.... maybe you pet a snake...? (What do they say.... 'it's probably more afraid of you, than you are of it'...? Really..? The snake is having night terrors about me.... popping the top off its terrarium and choking it to death in its sleep? If so, I'd suggest we don't hang out with each other at all, really. My frequent visits to the snake farm could probably be better spent doing something else. I'll just start going to the batting cages with my free afternoons.)

Maybe... understandably... you're afraid of clowns?

... you could go to the circus, voluntarily........ or throw a party and hire a clown to perform... then confront him somehow....? Challenge him to fisticuffs? 'Cause, that's exactly the guy I wanna provoke.... the out-of-work, theater actor in the John Wayne Gacy-warpaint... neither living, nor dead but, somehow still prat-falling around your backyard for sixty bucks and the catering leftovers.... seems like, those are all the necessary ingredients for a birthday party, mass murder... his face make-up streaked with tears as he recites a Pinter monologue from his 'Circle in the Square' audition, he then wipes out all three generations of your family with an assault rifle.)

I... am afraid of sharks. Another common and reasonable fear.

SMASH CUT TO: Me, in a cage in the water... with the sharks swimming in and out of sight, and encircling the cage.

.... I quickly discover my fear of sharks is actually just... logic. Dead black eyes, rows of razor sharp teeth... the scariest, most-efficient killing machines ever created by nature... that's not fear, that's common sense.

So.... you find some things are just as scary as you imagined them to be.... and, you pee your wetsuit........ then... you think to yourself; 'they're really sensitive to smell aren't they....? And I'm the guy who just peed in the pool..... only, they can't get out of the pool.... so, I probably pissed them off'... then, you pee yourself again... and, lather rinse repeat.... until you're empty of bodily fluids.

..... then, you think for a moment about how you just paid a guy with a boat to drive you out and hang you off the side in this urine tea-bag device, bobbing in the water.... and, as an added value.... you got to stare across at a monster from your nightmares made real! Yeah.... that's much better than beers at the 'Mini-Putt'.... there's that fear sorted. Next...?

I'm probably most afraid of being buried alive.... so, I'm gonna confront that one head-on.... kick it square in the nuts.... I'm gonna ask a friend to bury me alive. Problem solved. We need never speak of it again; "Lying here in this lightless box... running out of oxygen.... I'm starting to feel pretty silly..... this isn't so bad at a....................."

Point is... I don't know if we all need to kick our fears in the balls.... but, we need to recognize them.... acknowledge them.... experience them.

So, if public speaking is the number one fear.... then why should you get up on stage and do stand-up?

'Cause, it's more like being afraid of heights.... going to the top of the tallest building..... jumping off.... and living.

Public speaking.... is exactly as terrifying as you think it is. (... if, you think it is...... and, apparently most of you do.)

Doing stand-up comedy is more terrifying than you think it is....

(... the only other thing that comes close to stand-up comedy is... getting up on stage and singing a song you wrote.

And.... we can all acknowledge, there's a difference between going out for Thursday night karaoke with your co-workers.... and cracking open your 'dream journal' to sing its contents at a crowd of strangers.

That's like swimming with sharks... and, the sharks get outfitted with battle armor.)

Posting your 'YouTube' joke of the week... talking into your webcam from your basement bedroom.... isn't nearly the same thing and, we all know that.

But still, we're lined up millions deep to do our dancing monkey routines from the 'safety' of our living rooms..... 'cause we believe there's a lesser stake in it.... the cage, protecting you from the shark.

Record a video on your computer. Write a blog post..... anonymously.(... that's right.... I'm saying, without contact info.... you're a chicken shit.)

Crave attention.... fear judgement.

Pee yourself.... wait a minute.... pee yourself again.

The monkey that dances for the organ grinder... would be embarrassed, if he knew he should be.

I mean, his little pants-less, hotel bell-hop uniform alone..... is that necessary, really?

He's a motherfucking dancing monkey..! We need to dress him up like an asshole for good measure?

But, one thing about that ridiculous little monkey..... he's gonna dance every time for that peanut at the end.

And...... I'm gonna smile every time.

My favorite viral video is the "Metallica Airdrummer"......... not seen here...? (... I had the original 'bootleg' on VHS... before there was an internet).

..... if there's anything that comes closest to a perfect illustration of the 'dancing monkey'.... it's the 'air-drumming monkey'. (I think, they may have even shared the one Sgt. Peppers Band jacket.)

.... if I was having a down day.... I would put on the "Airdrummer"... and start to feel better.

I'd think about the guy devoting that length of time to learning this extended, concert version of Metallica's "Enter Sandman"...... workin' at it most every day, 'cause his shift at the local 'Gas N' Gulp' allows for those days he needs to 'work' from home...... 'gettin' it tight'..... down to each distinct head bob and cymbal crash..... to the fire and intensity in his face..... picking out his best backwards cap and Georgetown Hoyas shorts(... he picked out that perfect 'hello, world' outfit all by himself, by the way)... and, then jumpin' down on that dining room chair and delivering the performance of his life..... literally.

See what I did there.....? I made fun of him.... and felt better for it.

And, yeah..... I'll own that.

Sure as the sun sets in the west... there will always be judgement.... so long as there will always be 'funny'. (... and, Funny In The Future is lookin' pretty good... we've established.)

But.... like the subject of the extraordinaraly fantastic documentary (.... cannot use enough superlatives) Winnebago Man..... this 'Metallica Air Drummer' didn't post his home movie on YouTube.... there was no YouTube...

See........ I said... not seen here..... 'cause, that above link is not the video I own....... first... there's no sound, you might've noticed.... also... he's wearing his shirt(... you wouldn't have known to notice).

This guy..... "Metallica Air Drummer"........ has apparently now devoted that 'practice time' to getting this video off the internet.

It's why the link you have above... isn't the 'real' version.

The 'real' version..... is only found in this Metallica Air Drummer Re-Mix.

My head hurts after typing that seemingly pointless logic loop.... but, the gist is..... there is an internet now.... there's peanut butter... and a monkey's paw.... in the jelly jar. (We're the monkey.... the peanut butter's the viral video.... the internet's the jelly jar. We all on board?)

In the early 90's in Toronto, City TV piloted a tv idea called Speakers' Corner. It was a little booth built into the corner of their downtown studios... you put a dollar in the slot and it records a video of your rant, your complaint... your puppet's musical performance.... then they'd select and edit them into a half-hour program.

(... I specifically remember one involving a woman sharing a strand of pasta with her dog.... until... like that iconic scene from "Lady and The Tramp"... their mouths meet and the dog, trying to follow the food into it's master's mouth, is furiously tongue-kissing this woman.

I think she eventually got on Letterman.... right after the guy with the Parrot perched between his legs playing the 'nutella game'; "Y'know what Dave.... I know people will think this is a sad thing to spend your fifteen minutes of fame on.... but, it's really about the process. Getting your macaw to blow you and nuzzle your balls.... that's its own reward.")

City TV killed the "Speaker's Corner" booth and show, last year.... citing 'the emergence of other interactive media'. It's not like the impulse or desire diminished.... people just don't have to drive to downtown Toronto.

The booth was located in Toronto's night club district and, what was funniest to me was to see the people who needed that alcoholic anxiety elixir... the guys and girls who needed that liquid courage to get in front of that camera.... and, then this little well-rehearsed and carefully considered rant would come spilling out.

Consider Quentin Tarantino's, now famous Top Gun rant...... just another guy at a party who's watched too many movies, right?. Mused on and debated over these 'hidden subtexts' in our common, pop culture touchstones. (This, by the way, is the real genesis of the Kevin Smith, Robert Rodriguez, fan-boy writer and indie filmmaker movement....; "I've got a riff on Star Wars... I could do that. I could write a movie. I could get a camera and film my opus.... just me and my friends talking about overt gayness in 'Lord of The Rings' and 'He-Man'.")

We've all got at least one of these rants in our back pocket....

But, it might take five double-whisky and cokes to summon the balls to say it into camera... or, even to the girl at the party...

And....... I guarantee.... if you ever got up on stage and tried to deliver it to a live audience.... you might pass out and shit yourself.... not necessarily in that order.

Though I encourage you to get up on a stage and do stand-up.... I know you won't.

I also know..... though everybody plainly acknowledges that judgement is certain(... certainly, worse than you can imagine)..... we will not stop submitting ourselves to judgement.... for judgement... and as judges.

This Ricky Gervais rant from the Extras Christmas Special.... is one of the most awesomely articulated commentaries on celebrity I have ever heard..... but, it's not the 'final word' on the subject.... is it?

Like any archived quote(... like an increasingly infinite archive of every quote and insight into every phenomenon, new and old)..... it's just another interesting take.

You won't get up on stage and do stand-up..... 'cause you can't risk the possibility of them not laughing.

Without the cage..... chum and blood in the water...... there's a very real possibility the shark will bite you.

But, there is a real shame in that.... someone's voice won't be heard, because of that.

Someone maybe as good.... maybe, better than Gervais....?(... heresy, I know)

Someone who'd be writing a blog..... anonymously.... but, has something really interesting, touching and funny to contribute to the cultural conversation.

Someone like you.

"Dance Monkey Dance" is where we safely swim with the sharks.

"Dance Monkey Dance" is where we collaborate.... and, share in the conversation.

"Dance Monkey Dance" is where the slow folks are shark food... like these people in Deep Blue Sea.... but, the 'quick ones' aren't.... like these people in Deep Blue Sea(.... oh, wait.... everybody but, Thomas Jane gets chewed up in "Deep Blue Sea"... 'cause he does that awesomely retarded, underwater somersault. [Oh, yeah.... spoiler alert.] But... god, I loved that movie!)

Like the "Let's Make Politics!" 'trojan horse' that contains it.... we're makin' this thing together. [..... and, against every tv person's emphatic 'advice'.... next post is where I show you how.]

This thing is all about two words I've harped on since my first post.... transparent and collaborative.

See.... we haven't seen the bottom yet...... we're nowhere near. And, though that makes me sick to my stomach..... the truth is...... I kind of want people to show me 'their bottoms'. ;)

So.... dance, you magnificently silly little monkey... dance.